Since mid November when I found out I was pregnant, I have been sick. Early on, it was very severe, but it has since tapered off into general yucks and bouts of indigestion. It is not uncommon to be starving and yet the thought of food sends me running to the commode. Whatever. It happens to a lot of people, right? To be honest, I have been through something similar with all my pregnancies. What makes this one different? I think it has to do with the fact that this time around I feel that my life has been rendered completely and hopelessly ineffective.
Homeschooling was going well. Church was going well. Blog-posting was going well. Ministry was going well. And somewhere deep down, I knew that being pregnant would be the ultimate test of my willingness and ability to trust God. There's where I made my mistake. Because everything was going well, and I had great expectations of passing the trust test, I fell hard. So hard, in fact, that I have developed intense sensitivities and phobias that I have never experienced before.
What I've learned is that the real test of trusting God is not about proving it easier to deal with the difficult substance of life, but rather accepting the fact that I still fall and then repenting and starting again. Believing again.
Oh Hope, I know how you feel! I haven't blogged too much about my pregnancy with Ruby because...well, because it's still too painful. I carry the story in my heart so that one day I can share it openly. For the entire nine months I struggled and finally fell into a severe depression.
ReplyDeleteI am forever grateful that the Lord gave me a kind and loving husband and two incredible and discerning midwives! Sadly, I was still at war against God's will all the way through labor...But here I am a year later, blessed to be a wife, blessed to be a mama, blessed to be in the ministry and FORGIVEN!
Ruby is a my precious gem and a living reminder that Christ has blessed me abundantly even through my failures.
My prayers are with you this very moment! You are such a gift, beautiful inside and out! I can't wait to meet Kuckel #5, or even Kuckel #4 for that matter! I love you.